It is now clear the parents, in an effort to "inoculate" their children against all the uncertainties and challenges of today's demanding and competitive world, over praise their children. The attempt on the part of parents is to bolster their kids' self-esteem, thus preparing them for the tough life they may face in the years to come. The problem is that it often backfires! Children who are over-praised begin to shy away from engaging in activities where their success is not certain. They also tend to slack off, thus lowering their performance, because they begin to feel that, if they are as "good" as their parents say, they don't have to try as hard. Other kids begin to feel that failure is so abhorrent in their family that it can't even be mentioned, which means they "play it safe" by not trying things too far out of their comfort zone or where they might not be as likely to succeed. The whole idea of "trial-and-error" seems to go out the window. The key to praising children is to keep it brief and make it specific. For example, a parent might simply say, "That was the best paper!" and not mention specific aspects of that paper, like the clever opening or or the clear recitation of facts or the way the ideas flowed or the way it caught your attention at the beginning. At camp counselors should praise kids in specific ways--like what it was about the way they helped one another during clean-up; or how they cooperated when they came up with a skit for the talent show; or how they encouraged other in the game they played. The other thing is that children appreciate honesty. They might not like hearing about their faults or short-comings, but they know when they did something wrong or didn't perform well, and pretending otherwise only makes children feel like they can't trust us to tell them the truth. That truth can be delivered in a sensitive way, but it needs to be delivered if campers are going to benefit from their mistakes. After all, what is the point of making mistakes if we can't help children learn from them?!

Most parents experience arguing with their teenage children as a negative and stressful event. Interestingly enough, most Teens experience healthy arguments as not only a sign of trust, but as a legitimate way of being responsible. If a Teen does not trust you as an adult, they aren't abut to argue with you and reveal what they might be truly thinking. They will simply "yes" you to get you to go away and then hide whatever their true thoughts and feelings might be. Ironically, this means that if a Teen argues with you, it is a sign of trust and respect. In their new book Nurture Shock, Bronson and Merryman cite research that suggests that in households where there is more arguing (and by "healthy," we mean no physical violence and a sense of fairness and equal listening), Teens are actually less engaged in unhealthy risk-taking than in households where there is no arguing or unhealthy levels or degrees of arguing. Food for thought!

Most supervisors in camp settings make the same mistakes in the supervision of staff. The first is waiting too long before addressing poor or inappropriate performance. Since most people don't like confrontation (and have not developed better skills in this area), they avoid the awkwardness of face-to-face contact hoping that "things will clear up." Unfortunately, this hesitation only sends a message to staff that whatever they are doing that is inappropriate or sub par performance is acceptable. Another mistake is in not giving specific examples of the behavior we have seen that is either unacceptable or inadequate. As soon we we resort to labels we run the risk of being too general and unclear. What one person means by a "poor attitude" --or any other label-- may be completely different from what another person has in mind. The lack of specific examples --the things people have actually said or done that we are concerned about-- may also make staff feel you just don't like them. Besides, staff can't improve behaviors that haven't been clearly described to them. Another common mistake is that supervisors talk too much. If when we confront staff about their behavior we do all the talking and don't let staff respond or weigh in, then what we are having is a lecture, not a conversation. Staff who enter the conversation are more apt to buy into the feedback than staff who remain silent in the face of criticism. One final note is that many supervisors do not follow up with staff after such a talk to acknowledge improvement or make further observations. Lack of follow up is a sure-fire way to communicate to staff that you really aren't interested in their growth and improvement.

I've been thinking alot about kids born between 1982 and 2000--the so-called Millennial Generation.  I know it's fashionable to look at trends and make general statements these days about generations, some of which I think can be overblown.  For example, I often feel that the statistics and general characterisitcs sited for Millennial Kids are based on white suburban kids and that we know very little about Black or Latino or urban kids.  That said, it can be eye-opening to learn about some of the trends we see in this age grop--kids who have grown up always knowing technology and the Internet and whose lives have been shaped by technology, the threat of terrorism, global economics and hovering parents.

One thing I think about with regard to these kids--many of whom make up my psychotherapy practice, is that they are hard working, creative, have incredible self-esteem, think they and their generation are special and feel like great things are expected of them.  They have also grown up with parents who have done everything for them.  Which is what brings me to the issue of resilience.  I wonder just how resilient these kids are.  Being smart and having high self-esteem don't seem to be the ingredients for bouncing back, persevering and making do on ones own--the hallmarks of resilience.  I know there is a lot to say about this, but I am just beginning to put my thoughts together and will add to them in the next few days.  Any thoughts you, my trusty reader, may have, please share!  --Bob Ditter